Dementia knows no age.
It equally takes the memories of man, woman and even children.
It cruelly attacks our most recent, precious memories, leaving us with our long-term memories, which allows us to remember what was but not yesterday or today.
It can stop our brain from functioning at a moments notice like a pitch black curtain descending in our heads, causing us to lose our words and complete thoughts in mid conversation with no way to retrieve them, leaving us standing there with a blank expression.
No matter what we do to try to stop it, DEMENTIA MARCHES ON!


I’m not writing this to depress you or to make you feel sorry for those of us that are living with a Dementia-Related Illness, I’m just trying to help you understand what we experience, sometimes for a minute, an hour, a day or days. To put it bluntly, IT SUCKS!!!

What I do ask you is to not feel sorry for us. I ask that you to interact with us just like you would anyone else.
But wait . . . that’s not all!

Dementia not only affects memory. There are also side effects that come along with our Disease. Some, but not all are anger, emotional roller coasters, hallucinations, depression, anxiety, difficulties with visual and spatial abilities, problem solving, difficulties handling complex tasks, difficulties with planning and organizing, and later on, difficulties in completing every day tasks and more issues as we progress.
To make matters worse, according to #AARP, some scientists say there is compelling evidence that the negative effects of the COVID virus could last even longer, possibly creating a surge of cases of dementia and cognitive decline years down the road.

I could go on and on but, I don’t want to and I think you get the point.

When 2021 was approaching, I realized that I was entering my 7th year of my Alzheimer’s journey and my 3rd year of my most recent diagnosis of Vascular Dementia. Has that stopped me from #LIVINGWELL? The answer to that question is NO! If anything, it pushed me forward to do things I might not have done before.

In 2019, I moved . . . again, but this time staying in FL. I moved to Largo to join my Life Partner / Care Partner Maureen Rulison. She has been a blessing in disguise, (she says she is not in disguise) organizing all my medications, vitamins, setting me up with my new physicians and basically helped organize my life.
Adding to my list of addresses, we just recently moved to, what we hope to be, our forever home. (the U.S. Postal Service just breathed a sigh of relief! hahahah) We talked a lot about living on the water. With Maureen’s determination and the stars aligning, we were lucky to find what we were wishing for. Our backyard is Tampa Bay (the body of water, not the area) and the dolphins and birds greet us with a good morning every day. It’s surreal to live in a beautiful location and this location and all that it offers does help with my anxiety.

I’m saying this here and now, unless we win the lottery, we are NOT moving again.

I feel like I have jumped around a lot with this post, but I know I haven’t written a new BLOG post in quite a while so I had some catching up to do. My New Orleans friend of hundreds of years, Giorgio, texted me the other day with this message . . .
“Good Morning my friend . . . I’m noticing there’s only 5 days left in January. When are you going to make your January post?”

Well Giorgio, here ya go my friend. Thanks for the heads up and not allowing me to get lazy. I need that push every now and then.

I would also like to thank all those who follow me and send your encouraging words. It really means a lot.

If I could leave you with words of encouragement . . .
“If you are LIVING with a Dementia-Related Illness, don’t give up!
If you know someone who is LIVING with a Dementia-Related Illness, drop them a line. It may be just what they need .
If you can’t decide whether or not to keep in contact with someone who is LIVING with a Dementia-Related Illness, the answer is ALWAYS, YES!


Should I Stay or Should I Go? (My Battle with Dementia, Anxiousness and Covid-19)

Investigations by Chinese authorities have identified human cases with onset of symptoms in early December 2019.The first laboratory-confirmed case of COVID-19 in the United States was confirmed on January 20, 2020, and reported to CDC on January 22, 2020.

Doing some research on COVID-19, I came across a lot of questions from the public . . .
* Do antibiotics work against the coronavirus?
* How long does the coronavirus last on surfaces?
* What is a pandemic?
* Can the coronavirus disease spread through swimming pools?
*Can the coronavirus disease spread through frozen food?
* Can I still have sex during the coronavirus pandemic?

I could probably give you the answers based upon what I’ve read, but that would take too long. I’ll let you research on your own.

What I want to talk to you about is . . .
How is COVID-19 affecting those of us who are LIVING with Dementia?

It is said that those of us who are LIVING (and yes, I call attention to the word LIVING, because it is what we do everyday) with a Dementia-Related Illness are “EXPERTS!”
We don’t know a lot of the medical information (we are NOT Neurologists) but what we do know is how it affects us. A big hurdle the majority of us face is Anxiety.

Anxiety is usually a symptom that comes along with Dementia. It differs from one person to another, meaning that the frequency differs. Some don’t have it all. Others may have hallucinations while others don’t. Dementia is what I call a Designer Disease. We all know that Dementia is not a disease in and of itself, but is has so many diseases that fall under the Dementia Umbrella that makes it difficult to find the ever-escapable cure. But I’m not writing about that . . . I’m writing abut how anxiety comes into play with COVID-19.

I should start off by saying, anxiety is not exclusive to Dementia-Related Illnesses. Anxiety can be present in anyone’s life.
According to the CDC . . . Public health actions, such as social distancing, can make people feel isolated and lonely and can increase stress and anxiety. However, these actions are necessary to reduce the spread of COVID-19. Coping with stress in a healthy way will make you, the people you care about, and your community stronger.

Those of us Living with Dementia-Related Illnesses usually, but not all, have Anxiety that comes along for the ride. I can speak only about my anxiety for, as the saying goes . . . “If you know 1 person with Dementia, you only know how it affects THAT one person.”!

Each day, Maureen will tell me she is going somewhere and asks me if I want to come along with her to “get the stink off!” Just hearing that question triggers my anxiety. All these thoughts start running through my head. All the what-ifs start swarming like bees. Scenarios start popping up like . . .
What if I touch something that someone who is infected touched?
What if we go into a public place and there are people not wearing a mask?
What if I see a non-mask-wearing person sneeze and all their COVID particles are now airborne?
What if someone coughs in my direction?
I even took to wearing Playtex gloves when I pumped gas for Maureen. When I got back into the car, I would sanitize the gloves and then sanitize may hands, just to make sure. You never know who touched what.
I must say . . . “IT’S EXHAUSTING BEING ME!!!”

So, Bella and I stay on the sofa, her sleeping and me doing insignificant things that I feel are of some sort of importance. I would much rather stay inside than to possibly infect myself by walking out the door.
There are, however, times when I will go along for a ride, mostly when I don’t have to leave the car. This usually happens when Maureen wants to have a Diet Dr. Pepper from Chick-fil-A with light ice. (She is a firm believer that Chick-fil-A has just the right mixture of ingredients served in a Styrofoam cup which keeps it cold (and y’all thought I had issues) but I digress!

Look I know I’m being a bit paranoid about the whole “COVID THING” but, I have enough problems with things I currently have. I’m not looking to add anything more to my Disease Resume’. So, I will continue my stubbornness, couch sitting with my faithful furry companion while Maureen goes on her missions into the COVID-19 world.

I also have a message for everyone . . .


Until Next Time . . .

In Remembrance of Mary

I wrote this original post 3 years ago but being today is a sad Anniversary for my family and I, I wanted to repost it with some changes.


In 1998, my world was changed. My niece, Mary, died from Cystic Fibrosis at the age of 22. I knew how she died for I was there by her side watching her, crying for her, singing to her, as she drew her last breath. My question was, “WHY HER?” I’m not saying I was wishing it upon someone else, I was just questioning, “WHY?”

She struggled all her life. My sister was told Mary wouldn’t live past the age of 2. What her doctors and everyone else who cared for Mary came to know was how much of a fighter she was and how she didn’t like being told what she could or could not do.
She went through, not 1 but, 2 double lung transplants. She fought so hard during all 22 years of her young life.

Mary passed away on October 14, 1998. One of her last wishes was to take a trip wherever she wanted to go. My sister told me, she chose to come to Pensacola to surprise me for my birthday, which was in September. It was a huge surprise.

I will never forget the last week of her life. She was talking to me from her hospital bed and she asked me, “When are you coming to see me?” I told her I would be coming that next weekend. She said, “NO! YOU NEED TO COME NOW!” I asked her what was wrong and she said, “everybody here is acting all nice and pleasant. When I yell at someone, I want that someone to treat me normal and yell back at me and tell me to shut-up. You’re that person!” I arrived in New Orleans the next day.

I stayed up at the hospital with her, only going to my parents’ house to bathe and eat. On her “last night” one of Mary’s friends and I were with her and we were watching the World Series.  Mary was on oxygen and her tube would sometimes fill with condensation and have to be emptied. If not, she would have more trouble breathing than what she already had. When this would happen, she would alert us and we would drain her oxygen tube.

During a crucial part of the game, Mary was trying to get my attention to drain her oxygen tube. Keeping in mind what she asked of me on the telephone, and in keeping with the sarcastic nature of our relationship, I told her to “keep it down, we’re trying to watch the game.” She started laughing, which made her start coughing, then we were all laughing. All of a sudden, she stopped coughing raised up her oxygen mask, held up a single finger (you know which one) and said some pretty obscene words, put her mask back on and continued coughing! That was my Mary.

We stayed awake most of that night, talking, laughing, telling stories. A little after 1:00 pm the next day, well, you know what happened. Although I was terribly sad, I wouldn’t have traded those last days for anything in the world.

The answer to the question, “WHY HER?” came to me this morning.
She was chosen to show us, even when in the darkest of times, even during her hardest struggles, all she wanted was to be treated normally. Being she could still laugh through it all was also a valuable lesson.

I miss her so very much but I know she is with my Mom, breathing with no issues, laughing, telling stories and at peace.

Missing You,

Your Favorite, Uncle B


Dying with Dignity

I feel safer, less anxious, loved, and assured that my wishes will be carried out just as they were planned. There is a secure feeling that is now with me.

Several months ago, I made a video to my future Care Partners. In case you didn’t see it, here is a a link to the video.

In the video, I talk to my Future Care Partners, telling them my likes and my dislikes so that when I am struggling with my Dementia, Anxiety and anything else that may make me a little difficult to deal with, they will know what to do.

Realizing that planning how you will pass from this earth is not exactly a fun discussion to have. We also realize that death can come along at any time, so it’s always important to have a plan. Don’t you want to be assured that that when your time comes, you will leave this earth in a manner in which you choose? I know I do,

With that said, Maureen and I have had many conversations about this topic because we both want to make sure that whoever goes first, the other one will know their wishes. We are going to write these wishes in our Journals, making changes and additions as we go along. It’s important to both of us that we give each other what the other wants.

One of the things we agreed on from the get-go is that we want to be cremated. We figured, why would we want to rent space in the ground when we could have our ashes planted in the ground and become a beautiful tree. That is such a beautiful thought that, when in full bloom, people could come sit under our branches and enjoy the shade we could be provide them. To us, that is such a beautiful way to spend eternity.

This blog post is not completely about dying, but more about our dignity. Simply said, I don’t want to spend the last days of my life being kept alive by a machine just to prolong the inevitable. I have work to do, meaning, I am donating my body to science.
– I want them to study my brain to see if something they find could be used to help further understand this most misunderstood disease.
– I want them use my organs to keep someone else alive.
– I want them to use anything they can to benefit others.

I can’t think of a better way to help others, rather than just put me in a hole in the ground.

In preparing for this post, I did l do some research. One of the things I looked at were websites with the title of Death with Dignity. This was not what I was looking for but a lot of folks, now today more than ever, are choosing.
Right from the start it states, “You’re joining a growing movement that works to ensure terminally ill Americans have the freedom to choose from a full range of end-of-life options, including how they die. Seventy percent of Americans support the end-of-life option allowing qualified terminally-ill people to end their lives through physician-prescribed medications. That’s right: seven in ten Americans want this option.

Like I stated above, this is not for me but I respect those who choose this alternative.

So, what do I want to happen during the dying process?

  • First of all, I want Music. I want the room to be filled with my favorite music (I am currently working on my playlist) so that when I pass, I will be relaxed and non-stressed. That’s important to me.
  • One thing I DON’T WANT is people staring at me during my last moments. I know it will be sad, however, living with Alzheimer’s, Vascular Dementia, Type 2 Diabetes and no telling what awaits me in my later years, I want to be in my own bed, with nice sheets and soft pillows, have Hospice involved, laughter, (I don’t want it to be solemn for that is not who I am) and I have discussed all of this with Maureen.
  • I DON’T want to be left alone, (unless Maureen leaves to get a Diet Dr. Pepper from Chik Fil-A)

    This will all be put in writing so in case Maureen is not around, it will still be able to be carried out. Why is this so important to have this written?
  • I may not be verbal at that time. (Maureen says she couldn’t be so lucky to have me non-verbal.)
    I feel people should talk about their fears, no matter how serious, funny or anything in between because we don’t want to be trapped with those fears inside.

Before Maureen, I had no idea how I was going to spend my final days and moments nor did I have anything in writing. The only thing I knew for sure is that I wanted to be cremated and have my body given to science. I was living by myself and I had a fear of something happening to me and no one finding me for days. I had a fear of dying alone.

Now, with Maureen ever present in my life, I no longer have that fear for we now have a plan in place. And even if Maureen is not there, there will still be people by my side and I won’t be alone.

With that said, I feel safer, less anxious, loved, and assured that my wishes will be carried out just as they were planned. There is a secure feeling that is now with me.

You see, in Muareen’s line of work, at times she was the only one standing by the bedside of one of her clients, holding their hand as they passed away. She offered comfort but had no idea what their wishes were. She promised me that would never happen with me.

Some things I forgot to mention was, I want to have a Celebration of Life.

I want music to be played and at one point, I want the song, “Feeling Good” by Michael Bublé to be played. I want food and yes, alcohol. I don’t want anyone to wear black. Instead, I would love it if everyone would wear brightly colored clothes. If you have a Tropical Shirt, that would be even better. (I may add more to this as I think about something new. It’s kind of like me … a work in progress. You never know what you’re gonna get!)

The reason why I mention all this is because, if you don’t already have a plan or haven’t had conversations with your family as to how you want to spend your final days and moments, plan now, so that when that time comes, you will pass away in peace and your loved ones will also know they gave you exactly what you asked for.

Doing this is one of the greatest gifs YOU can give to your Loved Ones.

Until Next Time . . .


World Alzheimer’s Day

Each Year on September 21st is World Alzheimer’s Day.
I will start out with what IT’S NOT!
* IT’S NOT a day of Celebration!
* IT’S NOT a National or International Holiday!
* IT’S NOT a day for cookouts or Backyard Bar-B-Ques!

What it is, is a day to call AWARENESS to
* a Disease that has NO PREVENTION!
* a Disease that has NO WAY TO STOP the PROGRESSION!
* a Disease that has NO CURE!

I guess you can see why I don’t exactly call this a “Day to Celebrate.”

You will probably see a lot of photos on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and other Social Media of individuals wearing purple. It’s a way of calling awareness to a Horrendous Disease.

One of the strangest things about this disease is it doesn’t exactly cause people to die. According to the Alzheimer’s Association . . .
” Alzheimer’s disease leads to nerve cell death and tissue loss throughout the brain. Over time, the brain shrinks dramatically, affecting nearly all its functions. “

It is said that no one dies from Alzheimer’s, instead they die with it.
To put it in plain English, Alzheimer’s attacks different pieces and parts of the brain, causing those pieces and parts to malfunction and cease operation, therefore, in some cases, the “affects” of Alzheimer’s is the cause of death.

Alzheimer’s and other Dementia’s are classified as “Degenerative Diseases.” Maureen and I wish they would classify them as “Degenerative Disabilities” because the world works to create solutions to live a better quality of life for individuals with Disabilities and it works to help those with Incurable Diseases live more comfortably as they die. Why not build cognitive ramps in our world for Persons Living with Dementias-Related Illnesses LIVE” in our world rather than DIE in our world.

Here are some Facts and Figures from the Alzheimer’s Association.

  • More than 5 million Americans of all ages have Alzheimer’s.
  • An estimated 5.8 million Americans age 65 and older are living with (Alzheimer’s) Dementia in 2020.
  • Eighty percent are age 75 or older. One in 10 people age 65 and older (10%) has Alzheimer’s dementia.

Where are the statistics of Individuals, like my friends and I, who are Under the age of 65, who are “Living Well” with Alzheimer’s, Vascular Dementia, Lewy Body, Parkinson’s, White Matter, FTD, CTE, MCI?
Do we count?
Are we not as important as our elders?
Where do we fit in the Alzheimer’s equation?

Inquiring minds would like to know.

Until Next Time,
Stay Safe and . . . PEACE

Aging with Alzheimer’s

Every year during this time, I start reminiscing about:
* What would I be doing if . . . ?
* Where would I be working if . . ?
* How different would my life be if . . . ?
Things of that sort.

This year, the reminiscing is a bit different and more powerful than previous years. You see, in those previous years, I wasn’t turning 60 years old in 4 days!

When I was a child and I would attend birthday celebrations with my family and extended family, there were a lot of people who turned 60 throughout those years and I would look at them and think, “GEEZ, they are old!” Now that I’m the one who is turning 60, and 60 ain’t that old!!!!

Since my Alzheimer’s Diagnosis 6 years ago, I have been adamant about living the best life I can possibly could live.
I pushed myself to continue doing the things I already knew what to do.
I pushed myself to learn new things, although a few days later, I would not remember what I learned a few days before. That was out of my control but but that didn’t stop me from challenging myself.
I pushed myself to stay socially active, or as active as I could.
The one thing that kept me active was and still is, my advocacy and the love and support I receive. (I USE THAT ENERGY TO KEEP ME GOING!)

Pushing and challenging myself, became a double-edged edged sword. By that I mean, it was good for me but for friends, some family and acquaintances, it became very hard for them to believe I had Alzheimer’s Disease for I didn’t fit the mold, their mold. I DIDN’T ALLOW THAT OR THEM STOP ME)

I have many friends and acquaintances who were diagnosed before me, after me and the same year I was and they all push to keep themselves active and in the moment. They too have all faced the same things I have and they still journey on. Sadly, we have lost some of those friends over the years.

Yesterday morning on CBS Sunday Morning, #GayleKing interviewed 71 year old Olivia Newton-John about battling her third round with #breastcancer. During the interview, GK asked ONJ this question . . . “How do you stay in the moment and stay present and not let it consume you and worry you?”
ONJ Replied . . . “Denial is really good! Newton-John laughed. It’s really healthy! But it was consuming my day. And after a time, I went, ‘You know what? I don’t know what my time is, but I need to enjoy my life. So, I’m going to eat a cookie if I want it. And I’m gonna have a cup of tea if I want it. And if I wanna have a little bit of wine, I’m gonna do that, because the joy of life and everyday living has to be a part of that healing process as well”.

What a great answer! Now I know some will say that denial is not the answer, however, I have to agree with Olivia. She is not allowing her breast cancer (for the third time) to run her life.
It’s not like she is denying she has cancer.
It’s not like those of us living with a Dementia-Related Illness deny we have it, we just choose to live the life we want to live.

We know what faces us at the end but we don’t dwell on that.
Even though COVID-19 has put some restrictions on how we socially interact with one another, we still do that.

I’ve said from the beginning of my Alzheimer’s Journey, I would not allow my Alzheimer’s to define who I am as a person. I would live my life the way I want to live it.

Did I ask for this life? NO!

Is it the life that anyone who is / was living with a Disease that caused or will cause their death ask for? NO!

Am I going to give up on Living My Life the way I want to?

I am going to keep on living the best life I possibly can and when Friday, September 4th rolls around, I am going to continue to LIVE LIFE in the best way possible. Will I live an another 60 years? Well, YA NEVA KNOW!!!

Life is what you make of it and it’s up to you what you want to make of it.

Until Next Time,

This is Me!!!

(This blog post is NOT a review of a movie. I am using a specific song from this movie to get my point across. ~B)

The Greatest Showman is a movie inspired by the imagination of P.T. Barnum starring a wonderfully, talented cast and an awesome soundtrack.

One day ( I really don’t remember when, ……o excuse me for leaving out that detail) I was watching it (again) and I was discovering some new things I either forgot or just overlooked during the past times I viewed the movie.
It was almost like I was watching it for the first time.

It wasn’t the actual movie that was resonating with me but rather the music. If you know me, you know how much I love music and how I use it therapeutically to assist me in ridding myself of my brain fog or just to lift my spirits on dark days.

Anyway, it was getting towards the end of the movie when “The Bearded Lady” played by Keala Settle, started singing her song, “This is Me!” As I was listening to the words of the song, really listening, is when it hit me.

The Greatest Showman - Keala Settle 'didn't want' bearded lady role | Films  | Entertainment |

The opening lines of the song are . . .
“I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts

I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one’ll love you as you are

The biggest difference between those of us who are “Living Well with Dementia” and the “Bearded Lady” is, well, she’s a Lady with a beard. That’s kind of hard to miss. We don’t have any outward signs for anyone to see but when we speak, our Dementia may come out by causing us to lose our words, or just go silent. The reason I love this song is because when she is singing her song, I can feel both her pain and her strength. She was fed up being stigmatized just because of the way she looked.

At that point (and every time after I’ve listened to the song) the tears flowed, lots of tears. It was if she was singing it not only directly to me but to everyone and anyone who has some sort of disability, anyone who has been shunned or just forgotten by the public and/or members of their family, just because, in their eyes, we were now different.

The song continues . . .
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

If you have heard me speak before, you have heard me say,
“I have Alzheimer’s Disease BUT it doesn’t have me!”
I don’t allow my Disease(s) to define who I am, because in my mind, I am still me. People that really know me know I AM still me. I don’t know how to be anything else.

The reason this is so powerful for me is because I began, early on, to hear things like, “You don’t look like you have Alzheimer’s!” and “WOW, you speak so well!” or they would ask me in a sort of a hushed tone, “how are you?” or would turn to whoever was with me and ask them, again in a hushed tone as to shield the question from me, “So, how’s he doing?”

I admit, I may have slowed a bit but, as Maureen reminds me, I’ll be 60 next month so it’s a matter of aging. (In my head, I still feel like I’m 40. LOLOLOL)

I guess it would be easier if Alzheimer’s came with a scar or some sort of mark but it doesn’t. It’s an invisible disease so no one can see it and it makes it hard for some folks to accept it when we still look like we always did. The only “outward sign” we do exhibit is when we speak and we lose our words. When that happens with me, I turn to Maureen and she throws me the word and I continue on like nothing has happened but I see the look on other’s faces. It’s a look of sorrow and that’s the last thing I want people to look at me with.

As the song goes . . .
I make no apologies, this is me

Please remember this the next time you interact with someone who has a Dementia-Related Illness, any type of unseen Disability or a visible sign of their disability. Treat them as a person, an individual, for that is what they are.
When in doubt, ask yourself, “Self . . . how would I want to be treated if I had a Dementia-Related Illness or any type of illness or disability, visible or invisible.
If you don’t come up with the answer, “I WANT TO BE TREATED NORMALLY”, you may want to ask yourself again.

For those of you that haven’t heard the song, here is the link. as well as the lyrics . . .

This Is Me

Keala SettleThe Greatest Showman Ensemble
I am not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say ‘Cause we don’t want your broken parts
I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say No one’ll love you as you are
But I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us, For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me
Look out ’cause here I come
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me
Oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away ’cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades and
Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that’s what we’ve become (yeah, that’s what we’ve become)I won’t let them break me down to dust
I know that there’s a place for us, For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come, And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh, Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh
This is me

And I know that I deserve your love
(Oh-oh-oh-oh) There’s nothing I’m not worthy of
(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I’m meant to be, this is me

Look out ’cause here I come (look out ’cause here I come)
And I’m marching on to the beat I drum
(marching on, marching, marching on)
I’m not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down, I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown ’em out
I’m gonna send a flood, Gonna drown ’em out
Oh, This is me!

Spring Cleaning in Summer

Memory is the only way home. ~ Terry Tempest Williams

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is the-book-of-me-1.jpg

This post is not about cleaning per say, but more like a rearrangement. You see, Maureen and I shared an office (our spare bedroom) and it worked for a while but with both of us having ZOOM Calls, conference calls and all kinds of other meetings, it began to be a distraction. So, since I am perfectly comfortable sitting on the sofa with my laptop, I decided to move out of the office and make the sofa my office.

The reason why I bring this up is because it shows that working together for a common goal is much easier than not.

What also happens is we find things that mean a lot to us that had been misplaced. These things can be be of little significance and some can be extremely memorable. One such memorable item appeared.

Years ago, my Step-Daughter, Asheton, gave me a book entitled, “The Book of ME” A Do-it Yourself Memoir. From what I remember, she gave it to me so that I could record events, celebrations, etc, things I would not remember on my own. She knew how very precious memories were to me and she wanted to give me a method to assist me.

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely most important.” ~ Arthur Conan Doyle

With all the moving I have done in the past several years, the book was misplaced. I would search for it every now and then but would come up empty handed. I was so scared it was lost . . . that was until 2 days ago when it appeared. Maureen came across it when she was looking through some boxes. She knew how important Asheton is to me for I talk a lot about her and how much I miss her. Being she thought enough of me to get me a book I could store memories in was so very loving and caring on her part. It’s just who she is.

Throughout the book, there are quotes from different writers and authors so I may place one here and there . . . like here!

“Do not trust just your memory; it is full of holes; the most beautiful prizes slip through it.” ~ Georges Duamel

As I started reading things I had written, (starting about 7-8 years ago, when i was 52 or 53 (pre-diagnosis, but from what I was told, I was already showing signs of memory loss and forgetfulness) I felt as if I was reading someone else’s journal. I knew I had written on the pages for I recognized my handwriting but it still seemed like it was written by someone I didn’t know or remembered.

One reason, besides the handwriting, I know it was me is when I answered this question . . . “What signature clothes or accessories do you usually wear?”
I replied, “Flip-Flops, shorts and t-shirts, tropical shirts, dressy clothes but only when I have to. The rest of the time I am just, “Casual Brian”.
I can’t remember who gave me that nickname but I believe it was one of Asheton’s friends. All I can say is, turning 60 in September, I’m proud to say I’m still “Casual Brian.”

“I didn’t really say half the things I said!”~ Yogi Berra

There’s a note in the book that I wrote to myself that states, “Asheton gave me this book. She said it wasn’t because I was losing my memory, but just so I can remember things in the here and now. What a beautiful gesture!”
That speaks to the person she was and still is.

Every now and then, a person comes into your life and changes it forever. One of those people is Asheton Gloria Hill. I have a vivid memory of when I first met her and Bradley, Shannon’s children. It was a Christmas Party at Shannon’s house for the Advertising Department of the Pensacola News Journal, where I met Shannon. I found a comfortable place on the sofa so I could see and interact with everyone and sitting at my feet was this beautiful, blonde-haired 12 year old girl. At one point during the evening, she looked up at me and said, “you know, you can never leave here!” I asked her why, and she said, “you have brought laughter into our house!” and she hugged my leg.

“Write down the thoughts of the moment. Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable.” ~ Francis Bacon

I hope I never forget that memory. That reminds me, I better write that memory in my book so that I WON’T forget it.

Asheton and Bradley lost their Father in 2009 and that was a very tough time for them both. During the following years they unfortunately had a front row seat to a couple of my surgeries (back and neck) as well as the beginnings of my Alzheimer’s Journey.

I was a different person during that time. I was very angry, confused and frustrated. I was a bit of an ass during that time and they (as well as Shannon) were there to witness it all. It is said so many times, “if I could go back in time . . .” Well, until the #BacktotheFuture DeLorian can really go back in time, we all have to live with our consequences. All we can do is ask for forgiveness.

Asheton is now is living living in Oregon with her Partner Chris. I miss her terribly but I know she and Chris are very happy. My hope is that I will see her again one day while I still have my memory.

Memory is way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.~Kevin Arnold

Until that time, I will, once again, start filling up my book with memories from long ago as well as memories from today, tomorrow and . . . . .
I owe that to myself as well as to that little 12-year old, blonde-haired girl I met one Christmas in many years ago and who has now turned into a beautiful, confident and happy woman!

Until Next Time